Stream of Reflection

I don't know why it is exactly, but I find myself in a very reflective mood today. Maybe it is because I am lonely, or bored, or a combination of both. I am waiting for some videos to upload in a project I am working on for my dad and in the meantime I have too much time to think.

My birthday is coming up. Wednesday. After so many years of the build and anticipation of an upcoming birthday I find this one rather disappointing. I don't know if expecting something or nothing is better in this instance. I have been so consumed with the kitchen remodel and trying to figure out things for piano that I haven't had time to really think about what I want to expect. I like being remembered more than anything else. Birthdays serve that purpose very well - showing you point blank who did and didn't remember. I know it shouldn't matter, and maybe to a lot of people it doesn't, but I like to be remembered on the day I celebrate my existence.

My mom and most of my siblings have been out of town for over a week now. They took off for an 11 day chess tournament bonanza in Arizona and Las Vegas. I only have one brother left at my parent's house along with my dad. It makes me sad to think that I can't go to my parent's house and expect to see my mom there or say hi to Jeremy or Kayden or give Brynndi a big hug as she runs down the stairs yelling, "My sister!" I guess I should get used to it because they will rarely be home this whole summer. We are going on a vacation as a family in August and that is really giving me something to look forward to.

I am reading "Wuthering Heights" by Emily Bronte right now. I am trying to pinpoint the reason that I am still reading it. Almost 400 pages of depressing story and characters and still, it sucks me in. I just keep waiting and wishing for things to change but now that I am dreadfully close to the end and things continue to look increasingly bleak, I am not too hopeful.

Maybe that is my eternal outlook on life. I never exactly considered myself an optimist but I must admit that I believe in good and hope and truth being present, even when it seems unlikely. I am very grateful for my faith that continually gives me glimmers of hope in darkness.

I have some really incredible close friends. The kinds of friends you can count on and who go to great lengths to help you out even when it is sometimes frustrating and highly inconvenient. It is good to know that, not only are those kinds of people in the world, but that I know some of the best ones.

I have tried especially hard in the last couple of days to not just enjoy motherhood but to embrace it. Most days being a mother is hard. Really hard. Definitely the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is rewarding for a lot of reasons every day. Even now as I watch my little one eating "Tacos" in her high chair and see her big blue eyes staring off into the distance I am amazed at how beautiful and wondrous she is. She truly is a little miracle that I get to be a part of. I am lucky. Although I am not ready to be a mother of 2, I sure do enjoy my one.

We have seen a lot of movies lately. Old Dogs, Avatar and Alice in Wonderland are the "new" ones we have seen. Avatar was definitely my favorite although I wished they had used less swearing. I really enjoyed Alice in Wonderland and I liked that it was more true to the original story. Old Dogs was hilarious and relatively clean if I remember correctly.

Well, if you have read to this point I congratulate you. I have so many things on my mind and these are just a few that have come out as I have been typing. My best to you and yours!

Love, Shayla