A Change of Heart

Disclaimer: Before I get started into this post please understand a few things: 1) This is deeply personal and something that is very important to me, 2) This is MY experience and I don't want anyone to get the idea that I am giving you advice on how to live your life. 3) I welcome (and encourage) all comments but please keep them respectful. 4) This will be long so get comfortable.

Something has been picking at my mind for several months now. Something that I have tried to ignore, push away, and rationalize but it just keeps coming back to me until I had to face it head on and sort out my feelings.

I have always been a very driven person. I love challenges and have always sought to push myself to be the very best that I can be. I don't do this to be better than anyone else - I do it because it is important to me to feel like I never give anything less than my best. This drove me to my (almost) perfect 4.0 GPA in high school. My parents taught me and inspired me, but they never expected me to be perfect. I expected it of myself.

I always wanted to get married young. I looked forward to marriage with great anticipation. I had this whole idyllic picture in my head of meeting "the one," getting married, and making a name for myself. I was voted "Most Likely to be a Rocket Scientist" in high school - I had plans.

I was never one of those girls who thought and planned about her future family. I didn't have baby names picked out and have never wanted a "large" family of my own. Honestly, sometimes I have a hard time enjoying kids in general. I was full of dreams of college and career and success in the workplace and I didn't take much time to think about family life within my married life.

Fall semester 2007 was one of the hardest times of my life. I had found the one and we were engaged to be married. I was anticipating our wedding and trying to wade through the planning as well as tackling a huge load at school that included Microbiology, Calculus 2 and Physics. I flat-out failed my first physics test: 44/100. Worst score I had ever gotten on a test. Ever. I just didn't understand the material. I didn't like or enjoy any of my classes. I was unhappy at the lab that I was working in. I was lonely and started to ask myself, "Why am I doing this?"

It became wildly apparent to me that I was in the wrong place. My heart had been in science for quite a while and I had worked very hard to get to where I was and it was hard for me to walk away from it. But I knew that I had to. I would not have been happy pursuing that path. I was going to lose my scholarship anyways because of my poor grades and so... I withdrew. September 11th, 2007 was my last day as a student at the University of Utah in Biochemistry.

I kept working in the research lab for a few months after that but I gave that up as well. I didn't want to be there. Shortly after Jake and I got married the housing market crashed. As a housing framer in construction our family was suddenly in a very tight position. I had picked up a job as an aide in the Autistic cluster at West Jordan High School. I was also teaching piano lessons five days of the week and going straight to Bingham High School where I was the hired rehearsal pianist for the theater department. Most days I would leave our small Sandy apartment in the 7:00 am hour and not return until 9:00 pm - sometimes not until after 10 or 11. Jake was making just enough through construction to cover the rent for our apartment and I was covering all of our other expenses.

And then the undeniable feeling came - I knew that it was time to start our family. I felt it so strongly and Jake did too. We prayed about it and attended the temple and decided to take the gigantic leap of faith to do what we felt was right.

We were making so little that I knew that I would be able to go back to school through the assistance of financial aide. Jake was already working through college and I submitted my application for Fall 2008 semester to Salt Lake Community College. I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted to do but I really enjoyed my family classes at the U so I figured I would start there.

Only my registration packet never came. I called the school and they re-sent the information only... it never came.

And we found out I was pregnant.

I got pregnant at the beginning of June 2008 - we found out the same week that Jake found a new job working at Discover Card and our insurance switched from Blue Cross Blue Shield with a $5000 maternity deductible to Select Health with a $500 maternity deductible. Obviously the Lord was looking out for us.

That didn't stop us from experiencing trials though. With Jake's new job we were able to put money into savings each month. We knew we needed a bigger apartment once our baby came and so we started looking into it. We found a basement apartment in West Valley in the home of a darling older lady that was available immediately and no later. We weren't planning on immediately... our lease didn't expire for 2 months! But we knew that that was where we needed to go so once again we took that leap of faith, drained our beloved savings account to cover our lease termination, and we moved.

Our beautiful little girl came in February 2009. She was perfect and the labor was surprisingly simple. She was the perfect baby - quiet, slept through the night, didn't move until she was 11 months old, full of smiles and laughter, didn't get into anything or cause a scene when she didn't get what she wanted. Life was good.

Around 18 months our scene started to change. Our beautiful little girl started going through the terrible twos. Only... they were bad. Sometimes there was nothing that I could do but make sure she couldn't harm herself and leave her in her room to scream for the better part of an hour. No amount of calm speaking or comfort or anything was accepted until she had calmed down enough that she wanted it.

And it didn't change as she grew. As the months dragged on I started to believe that I had done something very wrong. I had broken our child. If I had been a better mother then she wouldn't be acting this way. She would be happier. She would interact better with her cousins. She wouldn't get so mad all the time.

At the height of my feeling flustered, overwhelmed, and completely inadequate Jake came to me to tell me he felt like it was time to have another child. I felt like a deer in the headlights, only worse - I felt like I had actually been hit. How in the world could I possibly manage that? How would it work? I had been able to continue teaching piano through the sheer goodness and generosity of my dear sister-in-law but I knew that she would soon no longer be able to help me out. What was I going to do?

I pushed. I said no. I refused. I ignored my husband's counsel. I am ashamed to admit it but it is the truth.

And as the months ticked by my depression strengthened and deepened. I knew that I was ignoring the Lord. I knew that I wasn't giving heed to His counsel like I had promised to.

When we attended the temple in October 2010 to pray about it we felt the answer very clearly, "If you trust me {The Lord} you will trust in my counsel." We left that day determined to no longer ignore what we knew to be right.

I got pregnant immediately. By the end of October 2010 I had a positive pregnancy test in my hand. Well... 4 actually but that is another story.

My pregnancy the second time around was miserable. My immune system shut down and I got 7 colds within those 9 months as well as at least 6 kidney stones. There was nothing that the doctor could do for me. "Some women just have problems like this during pregnancy," he said. Add to the fact that I was still dealing with Abrielle and all of her emotional issues and I was quite overwhelmed and spent many a tear-filled evening pouring my heart out to the Lord for strength.

Our beautiful Nathan came in July 2011. He was perfect. I frequently tell Jake that it is a good thing he has always been bad about sleeping through the night because if he did he would be absolutely perfect and would've been translated by now.

We took Abrielle to the pediatrician to talk to him about the possibility of her being autistic. We came away with the knowledge that she has some high OCD tendencies - she believes she must be in control. And if she isn't? Well... let's just say that she isn't a happy camper.

In my mind, we had the perfect family. One girl, one boy. I was finished. Armed with new knowledge and tools we were able to start working with Abrielle better to improve our relationship as well as her perception and reactions to the world around her. It wasn't easy and we still have bad days now and again, but overall things were very hard and draining, but manageable.

But I was finished. I didn't desire to have any more children. I felt like I had done what the Lord had expected of me. I listened, I obeyed, I struggled, but I was working on it. And it was good.

I got back into school into a subject that I am intensely passionate about. Although it has been hard and I have had to juggle many different things I have absolutely loved it. It has set me on fire and I have been so happy and content with my life. I have bad days and trials, but overall things have been good.

I had a really hard time coming to terms with feeling at peace with being finished. The cliche for our LDS culture has always been large families. I feared being looked down on by my friends and associates because that isn't what I wanted. Thankfully, I have only ever been greeted with acceptance and love about my decision. No one ever treated me badly, said anything mean, or looked down on me. I am very grateful for this.

I prayed about it dozens and dozens of times. I wanted to make sure that my decision was right. Every time I got the same answer, "You have done what I asked you to do and it is pleasing. You don't have to have any more; however, if you want to have more then that is okay too." I was at peace with that decision. I struggled so badly to be a good mom to the two that I have. My relationship with Abrielle was fragile, at best, and every day was a new struggle to feel like we were in a good place. I didn't feel like I had the emotional capacity to be happy with more kids under my charge. I didn't want any more kids.

But....

When I was pregnant with Nathan, Jake would never commit to a guess on the gender before the ultrasound. One day, shortly before we found out, Jake came to me and said, "I had a distinct impression that Abrielle will be the older sister of two little boys." I knew at this point we weren't having twins but that experience always bothered me.

A few months ago a tiny seed was planted in my heart. I started to see things a little bit differently. Just a little bit here and there. One night when Jake and I were out on a date I asked him, "Do you think there is one more?"

Knowing my struggle with the decision and knowing how much we had talked about this subject already he assured me that our decision was based on righteous desires and that we were trying very hard to follow what we felt was right. It was okay for us to be done.

But the seed had been planted. And it grew.

Suddenly it seemed as if Abrielle had grown up almost overnight. Things weren't quite so hard. We were getting along a lot better. There were fewer fights and tantrums and I had gone longer and longer between crying sessions feeling like I was a terrible mom.

And then we went to the pool on Monday with my mother and sisters. Nathan was very skeptical about the water and had to have one arm wrapped around me at all times while he splashed in the water with the other hand. After a while, teeth chattering, he would curl up into me and let me hold him tight - safe and secure (and warm) in my arms.

And I knew more strongly than I have ever known before...

I am not ready for it to be over. I am not ready to be done. I don't want to be done.

Suddenly I felt as if my heart had grown bigger than it had ever grown before. I was filled with a warmth and a sense of happiness and peace. I looked into my children's faces and I knew...

I want more.

Jake and I went on a mid-week date last night. Over bowls of salad I told him I had something to share with him. I timidly looked into his face and I said, "I don't feel like our family is finished."

Bless that man eternally for his reaction. He didn't once even hint at rebuking me for doing a complete 180 turn on him. He listened to everything that I had to say and then gave me the best gift he could've given me - He was so excited. He was so happy and overjoyed you would've thought he was a kid on Christmas morning.

He wants more.

Please don't mistake me at this point - I am not pregnant nor do we plan to be for awhile yet. We feel like right now is the time that the Lord has blessed us with to realize what we want out of life and now we have the opportunity to plan and prepare for when we feel like the timing is right for our next child. We don't know when that time will be but we anticipate that it will be sometime next year; however, we are open to the promptings of the Spirit when the impression comes.

For now, the enormity of my feelings are almost all-consuming. I have never felt this way before. I look at my children and my heart just swells within me. I know there will be many sleepless nights and hard trials in our future. I know there will probably be times that I wonder what in the world I was thinking when I ever believed that I could have more. I know that those times will most likely come.

But I know without any doubt that this is the right thing for our family. I don't know what this will equate to - I don't know when we will feel like our family is finished. We always try and stay very close to the spirit and to follow the promptings that we receive. I know that the Lord will guide us in the proper paths.

I plan on finishing up my education at Salt Lake Community College. Considering that my anticipated graduation date isn't until Spring 2015 there will be some very challenging times in our future as I get through final semesters. It worked out so that after Fall 2013 semester I will not be required to take any more exercise-based classes for my degree. I will have all 7 electives that require that out of the way. I don't know what is going to happen and I don't know where life will lead us. I can only move forward knowing that I have an amazing and supportive husband, an incredibly family, and a loving Father in Heaven who loves me more than I could ever possibly deserve.

My heart is so full of peace and joy. If you are still reading to this point I congratulate you on sharing in this journey with me. Many a tear was shed as I put my thoughts onto this page to share with you, my friends.

May the Lord bless you and your dear loved ones and may you also be guided in your pathways to find that which will bring you the greatest amount of peace and joy.

Loves...Shayla