On the Brink of Turning the Page

As we quickly approach the arrival of our second child I am continuously overwhelmed with floods of emotions. Blame it on the hormones racing through my body if you would like. It seems like every day is filled with a wide variety of ups and downs that seem fresh and new each time even though I was probably feeling the same thing yesterday.

Suddenly I am about to embark on another new chapter in my life. Why is it that life chapters only seem to last so long as to help you discover how to be comfortable in them? Once you feel safe and comfortable and like "you got this" then WHAM! Insert new chapter. Unfamiliar territory. New experiences. New emotions. New challenges. New successes. New. New. New. New. New.

Suddenly I feel like I must have felt before doing this the first time. And I must continually laugh every time I am faced with the question, "Are you ready?" Really? Is it possible to be ready? How can you prepare for something you have never experienced with a wide range of possible outcomes? I have no idea what this new baby will be like. I have no idea what to expect or what challenges he will have and bring to our lives. I have no idea if he will be the devil child my mother always wished upon me. You know the classic line, "I hope you have a child just like you one day!" Mom, if you are reading this, I really do appreciate everything you have ever done for me and every bit you have ever put up with from me. So now my boy can be an angel, right? ..... Right?

As silly as it may sound, I am terrified of having a son. I know girls. I understand girls. I have a girl. I AM a girl! I have lived in a world swirling with pink and princesses and jewelry and pretty bows and dresses. I don't know how to kick a soccer ball, throw a football or shoot a basketball from more than 3 feet away from the hoop - and that is pushing it. Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll follow in his parent's footsteps and be a musician/singer. If my mother has anything to say about it we have countless hours of baseball games ahead of us. Since her boys decided to take up acting and chess and Student Government she is going through some serious withdrawals.

Has anyone but me heard about the special relationship that develops between a mother and her son? Maybe I have just watched too much "North and South" lately. Have you seen that movie? You must. BEST chick-flick! Ever. Seriously. I watch that show and see the love and bond and pride that Mrs. Thornton holds for John and I think.... what will my relationship be like with this little boy?

Rambling? Probably so. But it makes me feel better and more secure to commit to "paper" the things I am thinking and feeling. I am not looking for answers or comforting words or sympathy or pity. I know that all of the questions and uncertainty that are a part of my every day life at this point will be answered in time. I take great comfort in the fact that I know that this new chapter is the chapter that my life is supposed to be writing right now. It is right. I made the choice to put this pen to paper. And as scary and overwhelming as it may all seem to me right now, I am grateful for the knowledge that I do not write these events of my life alone.

Love, Shayla