The Hardest, Messiest, Busiest Years

I have found that I struggle to return to this space and fill it with anything I consider less than "meaningful." I write in a journal and keep it updated with the comings and goings of our family - but this space is different. This is a place I come to when I feel truly compelled to write. As you can see from the rarity of my posts, this doesn't happen very often. I thank those of you who share in this infrequent posting journey with me.

Yesterday morning I was going through my typical routine. I get up at 7, make breakfast, read my scriptures, write in my journal, and scan through Facebook. By that time Nathan is usually up or Valerie wants to be fed and we officially start our day. But before that - my time. The time I have in quiet contemplation and reflection.

As I was scanning my News Feed I stumbled across a friend's post expressing her excitement about the impending arrival of her 3rd child. Her excitement was infectious and I found myself smiling at the screen with warmth in my heart. I opened the comments (I don't even remember why) and scanned through what people were saying. The most recent comment on the status update was posted by her husband. In essence he said that, although he is excited for the new baby, as children grow the messes, sibling fights, and attitudes multiply. He ended his post with a request that she get her baby fix elsewhere and asked if they could be finished having babies after this next one.

My heart broke. My soul ached. Not that I am in ANY way saying that everyone should have a certain number of kids. Everyone gets to plan what is best and right for their individual circumstances and situations - no cookie-cutter model. However, I saw something of my past self in his response and my changed heart said, "He doesn't get it."

This past week was a very difficult one for me. At 3 months postpartum I was alerted to the fact that my hormones are changing again by the appearance of a large amount of hair in my shower drain. I have felt the hormone change very acutely. Sadness, anxiety, panic, frustration - these have been my companions this week and I have struggled to rise above it. In the midst of these things my eldest has struggled with testing boundaries and disobedience, my middle child has been ill and having crying episodes (sometimes multiple) throughout the night because of nightmares, and I have been struggling to keep my youngest happy during the early evening - the time that I have to teach piano. Things have been chaotic.

But despite these things, I think I am starting to understand better why older women so often tell young mothers to "enjoy every moment." Do I enjoy breaking up sibling fights, getting out of bed multiple times at night, cleaning up the same messes hundreds of times, or so many of the hundreds of problems and situations that arise because I am a parent? Do I enjoy constantly battling being late to everything because it is so difficult to get out the door? Well.. no. Not really. But I wouldn't trade it for anything.

When Nathan bee-lines it out of his room, crying from another nightmare and I am there with my arms outstretched to scoop him up and hold him on my lap - being out of bed doesn't seem so bad.

When I am mugging on Abrielle with hugs and kisses before she runs off to the open door at kindergarten because we were just a bit late again and she is laughing and giggling to get away from me - I don't mind so much that we were late.

When Valerie smiles so big her face looks like it will split when I am changing a horrible, stinky diaper - changing that diaper doesn't seem so bad.

In these moments I feel a level of joy that cannot be attained anywhere else. These moments speak directly to my soul and let me know that this is heaven.

I cannot be certain what parenthood would be like without trials. There are a great many challenges. Parenthood is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done and probably will ever do. But I wouldn't trade it for anything.

This photo titled "Natural Learning Experiences" is part of our special "Life With Kids" series. When asking the artist about her motivations for the piece her response included, "Mom? Was I supposed to add the water first?"

I have heard that years spent raising small children are the hardest, messiest, busiest years - when you are just starting out and money is low and you are trying to get into the swing of being a parent. (Although I am sure those that have had teenagers would argue that those years are harder). But in these difficult years I find myself growing and stretching and improving every single day as I work to become the very best wife and mother I can be. The personal growth I have experienced in the last (almost) 6 years could not have come to me in another way. For every tear, every heartache, every moment I sat on the bathroom floor crying and wondering how I could do it all again tomorrow - I say thank you. These experiences have been for my benefit and for my good. God knew what he was doing when he directed me to this life and my soul will praise his name forever for allowing me the opportunity to have the care and charge of these precious little spirits.

Maybe having more than 3 kids is not right for my friend's family. Maybe her husband's request that they be finished will be granted. But as for us - we are not finished and my soul yearns for the day that we will bring more busy, messy, crazy, beautiful little spirits into our home and our hearts.

I have a testimony of family and the power that being in a supportive, loving family unit brings to our individual lives. I could never express sufficient gratitude for my own family, immediate and extended, and the impact that they have had on my life for good. I am so eternally grateful to my Father in Heaven for allowing my heart to be changed and to build my testimony of my divine role as a mother.

Loves, Shayla