Today as I re-read it again I was particularly struck by some things I included at the end of the post:
"I don't know what this will equate to."
"I know that the Lord will guide us in the proper paths."
"I don't know what is going to happen and I don't know where life will lead us."
These thoughts left me pondering on exactly where God has lead us over the course of the past year and where we have arrived to now. I thought about the person I was before I wrote that post and the woman that I have become. I am pleased to say that the title of my initial post has been true and clear in my life - I experienced a mighty change of heart that day at the pool. I have never questioned my resolve, I haven't looked back, and I know that what I want and who I am fall in line with the things I testified of on my blog that day.
A great deal of this past year has left me with the same questions about what was going to happen in our family. As Jake and I counseled together and prayed we formulated a path to travel on together. I felt very much like a participant in Elder Boyd K. Packer's talk, "The Edge of the Light." The talk is excellent and well worth reading (find it HERE) but this excerpt is particularly what has reflected in my mind:
"I returned to Elder Lee and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, “The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning.” I replied that I would like to see at least a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime: “You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you.”"
There have been many steps into the darkness over the past year, and every time the light has appeared to show us the way. That doesn't mean that everything suddenly became clear. There is still, and probably always will be, unknown darkness that needs to be traveled. But God has never forsaken us as we have trusted in where He leads.
We have been blessed immensely by our trust in the Lord. I stated in my initial post that my projected graduation date from my program was spring 2015. If you follow along with me on Facebook or even on here you know that the Lord shortened that path a great deal for our family - I just graduated 10 days ago. This past semester was probably the hardest of my education for many reasons, all emotional, but as I pushed through and continued to press forward the light became clear and I knew how to successfully find my way.
I have had the opportunity to see my hard work and dedication come to fruition in my work. I was recently offered (and accepted) a job working very few hours with Exercise is Medicine as an Exercise Therapist. A year ago this hope was a faint and distant dream - God has lead me to it and made it my reality. This job has allowed me to put into practice the many things I learned in my schooling, minimized the time I am away from my family, and lessened the pressure and stress that I feel about the unstable nature of teaching piano lessons. I love teaching piano lessons (I've done it for almost 14 years) but it can be quite unnerving never knowing when a student may quit and you are suddenly out money you were planning/counting on for the month. I don't make very much at EIM but it is enough to give us some added security right now.
I feel, in some ways, that Jake has been called upon to travel further into darkness before the light appeared for him. This past year has brought some unique and heart-wrenching challenges. We have struggled together to find answers and peace and to continue to push forward when we felt that we had nothing left to give. Currently, the light has appeared for him. Things are going well at his job and he is two papers away from graduating with his Bachelor's degree in Business. This path has been long and hard and, although the way is not yet in sight with regards to his career path, we are pressing forward and trusting in where God leads.
Ultimately, though, God has brought us to the greatest blessing and happiness of all - the anticipation of new life in our family. As I look back to last year before writing my post and the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing then I must admit that I have to smile each time. It is so obvious and clear to me now that this is the way that things had to be, and I know that God knew that from the beginning.
When I was called by Him to bear Abrielle and Nathan, I listened and obeyed. It was hard and it was frightening; just bearing them was not the capstone of my difficulties and I shared many of the struggles I had gone through with Abrielle in her early years. Still, I listened and obeyed, but I feel that God knew I needed a game changer in my life. The answer I kept receiving in my prayers last year means much more to me now, "You have done what I asked you to do and it is pleasing. You don't have to have any more; however, if you want to have more then that is okay too." What a difference it has created in my life when God allowed me the opportunity to change my heart. It has brought greater meaning and purpose to the daily, mundane tasks I face. It has brought greater clarity to God's plan for my life. It has allowed me to be a wife and a mother with greater intention.
As I sit here typing the thoughts of my heart with tears silently rolling down my cheeks I am struck with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the goodness of God. He always knew that this could happen in my life, should I choose to follow where He lead me. All of those years that I spent planning and preparing for a future... haven't turned out the way I imagined they would, but I can say without a single shadow of a doubt that they have turned out for the very best and for my ultimate joy and benefit.
The joy that I have experienced in this pregnancy is unlike anything I have ever felt before. This time the excitement and anticipation are coupled with something much stronger and deeper - the knowledge that there is nothing that I want more than to have this child at this time. This time the fear and bewilderment of traversing into unknown territory has fallen far behind me as I have strongly moved forward with a surety that this is right and this is what I want.
I am so grateful to have a Father in Heaven who personally knows me, my heart, my intentions, and my potential. He has helped me to become a greater version of myself with a greater vision for the paths of my future. He has lead me by the hand to a place of peace and comfort and to the knowledge that Where God Leads, I will Follow.
May the Lord bless you and keep you.
Love, Shayla
1 comment:
Thank you for always being such an inspiration to me! I love you!
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